LEGS WIDE OPEN... AND YOU STILL CANNOT TOUCH ME!!! REDUX...
Rape seems to be the order of the day these days. I touched on the subject back in November and will recycle my words because their strength remains and bottomline, rape is rape... is rape... is rape although sadly there are many out there who will not agree with me and so this is dedicated to all you...
Findings by the UK division of Amnesty International show that...
... a third (34%) of people in the UK believe that a woman is partially or totally responsible for being raped if she has behaved in a flirtatious manner.
This definitely ties in, if not defines, the rape culture mentality that is prevalent and for you skeptics out there, I suggest you read up before you mouth off so yeah, get to it!
This is a subject that immediately gets my heart racing. I am, to a certain extent, an individual affected by rape. Throughout my life, I have met countless women who have been either rape, or sexual assault, victims. You could easily give me the title of rape victim confidante.
Eleven years ago, my title changed to that of rape victim's sister.
My sister was twelve years old when she was raped. Just a child.
She had two friends, twin sisters, and slept over at their house. In the middle of the night, the older sister's boyfriend walked in and dragged her to the bathroom. He raped her. He told her Don't worry, I did not come inside you. You should be fine. Yeah, words a twelve-year-old needs to hear. He threatened her before he left and my sister said nothing.
She was twelve... twelve.
The whys and wherefores, hows and wheres are not important though. Even her age is not important... it just adds to the horror of the whole issue and takes the discussion to a different dimension... namely one involving a world where even our children are not safe, a world so violent that adult crimes are committed against our youngest on a regular basis. But I will leave that for another day...
We found out 2 months after the fact. Sister confided in my brother's close friend. He told my mother. Mother called the police and they filed a report.
I won't go into too many details but after months of being given the runaround by a very uninterested police department who even insinuated that my sister had asked for it because of the fact that she was developed for her age, we received a call from the detective assigned to the case. He said that there was nothing that they could do due to a lack of evidence, that my 12-year-old sister could have done something to instigate it, and that in the old days, people would take matters into their own hands.
No comment. That speaks for itself.
Now back to Cooper's original post on rape. In the comments to her post is an excellent example of the ignorance prevalent in our society with regards to the issue of rape embodied by a comment left there. The comment is a brilliant example of the reality of the blame culture we live in today. This is what the poor misguided fool said...
I...I..I don't know.
If dressing modest would work I say sure, but then late at night when I flip through TV cable channels I see tons of women in those ...Girls Gone Wild, Wild Party Girl video infomercials exposing everything to the camera and I wonder why don't rapists hang out with those guys....Obviously it's working..
I think there is a double standard, but even that is changing.
With sex becoming less sacred to both men, and women these days I have a hard time identifying rape as an issue these days.
Mixed signals everywhere.
My conclusion is that rapists are attracted to the insecure shy women who cover up rather than those who give off a sense of carelessness.
I'm not a rocket scientist but I do know things are constantly changing as the population continues to expand many times over. Everything seems to becoming a caricature of it's blurry self.
Oh...and when I say carelessness..I also mean confidence that gives off an "I don't care attitude" which is confusing I know.....But I hope you understand what I mean...They're one in the same.
Where do I BEGIN? First and foremost, Mr. Commenter, to sound intelligent please learn to write coherently and think things through before throwing up words that just amount to shit and make you look stupid! COME ON!
There seems to be a preconceived notion that most rapists out there are psychotic individuals, frothing at the mouth, lurking in dark alleys, waiting to pounce on the sexy, vixenish woman with tight clothes, who knows how to move when she walks and is just asking for it. Look at her shakin' that ass! I gotta do her! It is my right! he thinks as he pounces on her and fucks away...
A very high percentage of rapes are acquaintance rapes, meaning that the rapist knows the victim and viceversa.
Mr. Commenter, there is nothing ambiguous about it. Your argument is ignorant and the point you think you are making is a nonsequitur argument... it does not follow! What the hell do girls in Girls Gone Wild videos have to do with anything? You seem to imply that their overt sexuality could be construed, and rightfully so in your mind, as these women asking for it.
Listen up here Mr. Commenter and anyone else who might be confused for that matter! A chick could be giving you a blow job for all I care and then change her mind and not want to do anything else and you have to lay off. She could even have started something, meaning penetration my friends, change her mind in the middle of it all, and you would have to STOP! She can walk into the room stark naked, straddle you, ride you, tell you to fuck her and change her mind and you gotta let it go. Think her a bitch, call her what you will but bottom line...
NO MEANS NO.
How a woman dresses, acts, speaks, walks, etc. all constitute further examples of fallacious arguments with the underlying notion, so prevalent in our blame culture, that a woman can somehow ask for this violation of a very basic right that should never even be questioned to begin with.
To accept this argument would put us, the civilized world on a par with Middle Eastern Countries who force women to cover up. They claim it is for the woman's protection against men and their impure thoughts, that it is a way of revering a woman.
Yes, to accept such an argument would put us neck to neck, eye to eye, and whatever other bullshit clichéd expression you can think of, with the mentality that a woman is mere property. Such a mentality strips women off their individuality, off their free will and reduces them to the level of chattle, of insignificant belongings.
And the fight for women's rights, the fight against this reality and this mentality of our blame culture is one to be embraced by both men and women, because men, if you accept the above stated argument and our society's mentality, you degrade yourselves. Are men so base, so backward, so void of decency and morality that they cannot control their desires and sexual urges? Is this an excuse for rape?
Bottomline, the focus needs to be where it belongs... on the sick fuck who is out there getting off on the pain he inflicts on his victims whose lives he has fucked up forever. And if you answered yes to any of the questions in the above paragraph then you should be locked up and your dick axed off! Keep your cock in your pants or else pay the price!
Leave your issues off my body and off my rights. This is a black and white issue. I can do, dress, speak, dance, move, act as I wish and have the inherent right not to be raped. Period. No ambiguity there my friends!
Oh! I offend some because of my language? Is it too vulgar, crass, low? Well, this won't scar you. But rape...
So there you have me... LEGS WIDE OPEN AND YOU STILL CANNOT TOUCH ME!
Crossposted in my diary over at BIO.
37 Comments:
MizB - Your passion behind your stance against rape is continually impressive. You're right, the bottom line is no means no. But I'm not sure it's a black and white issue, and here's why. Your sister's case, which is horrible beyond words, was clearly and soley a preditory act. Now, not that I'm agreeing with the commenter, per say, but I have to to recognize a distinction between a preditory rapist and a guy who's already engaged in a sexual encounter with a willing participant, especially one that overtly flaunts her sexuality, comes on strong and takes it all the way only to suddenly change her mind mid-fuck. Of course she has the right to change her mind and at that point in this scenario she should either find another way to help the dude finish his business or introduce him to his hand. But my point is that there was an understanding of intent in this scenario as opposed to a preditory violator which to me means this isn't exactly a black & white issue. Perhaps just an ugly muddy brown.
Oh and for the record, I think the detective who dropped your 12 yo sister's case saying she may have instigated her own rape because she was developed should be on the receiving end Abner Lewema style which he may have instigated himself being a developed fucktard.
Your poor poor sister
Always dressed the way I wanted to because I do believe that I own that right
Once had a man in a blke fip the top of my bustier dress in Central Park, and he and everybody else laughed--was wearing a bra, so I didn't care, but...
Another time got yelled at for wearing shorts and a halter on Fifth Avenue. Hello that was my neighborhood. It was a hundred degrees
Rape is a horrible horrible crime that must be stopped and it's never the victims fault
And please stop at my blog thursday--you'll be getting a link
above all else, rape is an act of violence... "sex" has nothing to do with it. it is desire propelled by rage, not arousal.
as such, it matters not what a woman is (or isn't) wearing. a rapist is all about taking control of his victim's body.... having power over someone else.
i am shocked beyond words and so profoundly saddened to think your precious little sister had to be subjected to such a violation. and i hope to god she's received the kind of counseling and support she needs to understand how none of this was her fault, in any way, shape or form (knowing you, i'm sure this has happened).
as a mother of 2 boys, one of the first lessons (and one repeated throughout their lives) was to respect fellow human beings. when it comes to another person's body, "no" means "no" means "no" means "no". period.
powerful post, sister/girlfriend... well worth the price of admission! : )
Rape happens to shy females and vivacious females - and all those inbetween.
When I was really little, I used to see my birth father rape my mom. And they were married. Didn't matter. It was rape all the same.
So I only have two words for you MizB.
Damn straight.
I remember your November post, it was powerful - and so is this one.
You go, woman :-)
Sar~ You raise a very good point. I think that mixed signals can be and are given, women do use sexuality to their advantage, there are many murky situations out there but the minute an individual, and it is mostly women who are in this position, says no, no matter what situation that individual is in, whether mid-fuck or no, then the murkiness is no more, consent is withdrawn and no is no... anyone who crosses that line in order to have their way commits an act of violence and becomes a predator... when that line is crossed then it is a black and white issue although the path to the situation may at times be muddy! I hope I am making sense! My point is that it is black and white the very moment that the consent is withdrawn and the act is forced upon the individual who withdrew said consent.
I make a point to not speak of my own intimate life too much but this perhaps can apply... I myself have been in sexual situations with my husband where mid-act things may not be right for me... I can see confusion arising if communication is not clear, if nothing is said, and the like... but the moment I expressed the slightest reservation everything would stop and yes, I personally believe it to be my responsibility for some form of closure for us both to occur, but were I to express my reservation, to say no and were he to continue I would define that as rape and find nothing murky about it. He is very clear about it all too, which is why I gotta love the man...
The sad thing with the way the police dealt with my sister's situation is that it is a very common manner for the police to act... at least in Orange County where we lived at the time... I have met way too many women with similar stories and have myself faced much sexist dogma whilst growing up that both accentuates and numbs the horror of it all, if that is even possible!
Thanks for raising a great point you chic lady you!
Pia~ Damn right Pia! Damn right! And you can count on me being there my dear, link or no link! Bohemians loooooveeee them their Pia!
Neva~ Thank you much my friend! I am sure you have raised your boys to be two amazing young men! Seeing the woman they have for a mom I am sure to be wowed! Fo sho! It definitely is an act of violence and these are sad times when the first thought upong hearing of a woman's rape tends to be with regards to what the victim was wearing, or doing... all implying that somehow the act was instigated and the victim was somehow at fault.
My sister... I was raised in quite a dysfunctional family and my mother wanted to sweep things under the rug. I was the one who worked with the police, part of the investigation required me to speak to the rapist on the phone while the police taped the conversations but they botched that up... I called rape victim hotlines for guidance, made appointments for my sister with counselors but my mother did not allow her to seek treatment. I believe she could be in a very different place in life had things been handled differently. She is ok, in time she has reached a point where she can speak about it, knows it was never her fault, but it has forever tainted her life and she gave up on many things as a direct result of the rape.
I tried to help but there was much I could not do at the time I am afraid!
I am glad you liked the post!
Cowgirl~ Yes... and I am not one to preach to you my friend! Not at all! Well said and boho hugs coming your way!
dan~ I read that once over at your place. The intensity of the feelings that knowledge evokes in me is constant. I cannot even begin to fathom what it must have been life for you and your mother! My heart goes out to you my friend! You are a brave man and your mother, my god, I bow before her and any woman who ever has to survive such a vicious, vicious act!
Laurie~ It is recycled! *sigh* No time for originality after all the vomit of the past month (although it is now GONE! YAY!)... Glad you liked it and I am happy to see you my dear! This bohemian just looooveeees hot biker mama Laurie!
hi, Miz Bohemia! my comment: you say, a woman can start whatever wild sex with a man but if she changes her mind in the middle of it, he is supposed to stop. theoretically, you are absolutely right. practically, teaching your daughter like that can turn out to be fatal for her. men are not like women. of course it does NOT justify any rape, nowhere and never, but ignoring it leads to sadness could have been saved.
OMG your sister's story choked me up so much. How incredibly horrible, my heart goes out to her.
Yes Rape is all about the violation against someones will, it doesnt freeking matter what led up to that exact moment where a person says NO I DONT WANT TO DO THIS!(I say person,because although women may be by percentage a larger group of victims it also happens to men as well, trust me on that one. My first time was NOT by choice..and he was bigger and stronger than I was, not to mention I was drunk)
To insinuate a person is in any way shape or form responsible for such a violation is a bunch of bullshit, and this kind of attitude prevents measures to protect people from these monstrous acts.
amazing and well written post, as always.
I can´t even begin to talk about rape or sexual abuse without my head starting to spin!
There are some sick people out there and I usually associated rape with guys being the offender. Recently I had to console - I work for the V-day organization here in Iceland- a GUY! That was weird and even harder for him to explain his abeing abused (him being the one doing the penetrating and all!). It shocked me to my very core. Especially since I have worked with many mnay girls due to rape or abuse and started to hate the men in this world for it. It boils down to sick people-man or woman- who I agree: should be locked up, cut 150 grams off or do whatever...
I know this is slightly off the point, but nevertheless fits the topic.
On your issue: to claim that a girl-with being sexy in one way or another- is instigating rape...well, it says that man are immature, inhuman ,animal-like creatures that can´t control their blood pressure and that is what it boils down to. Are man so primitive that they act like 5 year olds wanting what they see? Just because a stereo in the window is something my heart desires, I don´t break the window and just take it. It is not mine!
Sorry for the simple metaphor. Also sorry for comparing rapist to 5 year old child, who I think have more control over their instincts.
SHAME on everybody that ever raped a woman or girl and said, "well...I couldn´t help it she asked for it!" YOU ARE A WASTE OF SPACE and as such should be locked up for good or worse. Why should we show compassion and a right to life for people who clearly ignore that right to others...
Monika, Breathe!!!
As per usual, a very good post! Down to an artform and needle point sharp!
Thank you posting this!!! I so totally agree with everything. NO MEANS NO!!!!
"... a third (34%) of people in the UK believe that a woman is partially or totally responsible for being raped if she has behaved in a flirtatious manner."
My face turned Red and steam came offa me when I read that!! I am pretty close to this subject, more so than i'd like to be.
A woman has every right to dress sexy, dance sexy, flirt, and feel sexy... It's our womanly right... and our right as a human being! Doing any or all of these things does not warrant having a man forcing himself inside of her under any circumstances!
I get so fucking angry when I hear rapes being blamed on women... Women who are "cock teases" or "too enticing"... Come on!! For fucks sake, go whack off in the bathroom!
Rape is about more than just sex though, it is a sickness... It's about power and control, and wanting to see someone hurt.
MizB - You've been picturized on my blog. Hope I captured you nicely.
Check this shit out:
http://mediamatters.org/items/200604030004
Ariel~ Oh my! Never was it mentioned that I would raise my daughter to do that! I used those examples to further bring the point home that there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever to justify rape. As for my personal views on sex, being a very traditional yogi, I am a strict believer in responsible sexuality and I am well aware of the dangers out there for us as women. I do agree with you but I think you must have misunderstood me simply for lack of knowing me better dear Ariel! This will give you a better idea of what I am about!
Persian Guy~ Thank you my friend and yes, you are absolutely right, it can affect everyone and is a horrific act regardless of who is the victim, whether man or woman. I apologize for the focus on women in the post... my ultimate point involves us all but I used women as they are, unfortunately, the sex most often vicitimized in this way.
I am sorry, so sorry, to hear about your experience and hope that closure and a resolution to that situation was achieved for you!
Minka~ My head spins right along with yours my dear! I agree with everything you said except for your apologies... no need for that because you are right!
jodes~ My pleasure and thank you!
Selina~ Say it loud and proud sistah! I couldn't agree with you more... Ooooh! Me? A picture? Coming right over!
Laurie~ On my way now!
Girl, that is one powerful message. I am so sorry for your sister, and for you and your family who went through it with her. It never ceases to amaze me when people, and especially authorities, insist on classifying rape as a purely sexual crime. I agree with another reader, based on the tons of research out there, that rape is first and foremost a crime of violence. Rape is committed by freaks who are so unsure of their own authority that they have to force it on innocents. I donť give a damn what the innocent is dressed like...
Thanks for the incredible read. It will always be necessary, unfortunately, to remind people of the truth of rape.
It is a good thing that the world has a voice like yours to help with that job.
XOXO love ya
So ... your sister was broadcasting while she was sleeping that she wanted to be raped?
When a person says NO, it means NO. At any time, at any point.
Your sister is very lucky to have you! That was a terrible thing she had to go through. I contstantly worry about my girls, especially the oldest because she stays at friends houses occasionally. She has been taught since she was very tiny, that some places are private and nobody should bother them. I have also drilled into her that if anyone should ever mess with her in anyway no matter what they say, she should scream her head off and fight like hell.
There are varying degrees of rape. But they are all wrong. From rapes with violent beatings to quiet date rapes, and even those husbands who don't know when to stop because they were taught that it is thier "right". It really isn't about sex it is more about control and power. They get turned on by the fear and pain they cause.
Congratulations for taking up "off" subjects!
My view is, that rape has nothing to do with sex but everything with violence and feeling of superiority by the doer. How sexy was this seventy year old lady dressed who got raped the other day? Every forth woman is he subject to heavy sexual harassment. So, sit in a classroom like I do every day and count the girls. Say, every tenth...still...
Great post, and I'm very sorry about your sister! In the overall picture of how rape is viewed by society, I agree that age isn't a factor, since it happens to babies and old women, alike. On a personal level, though, 12 is just a hideous age to have to deal with such a heinous act, a potentially life-altering event. Not that it's not life-disrupting at any age, but the "tweener" ages are especially confusing ones for everyone. It's appalling that she was treated with indifference by the police!
Of course, rape isn't about sex at all--it's about power, violence, abuse. No one instigates it! That point of view is more obtuse than I can imagine.
Queen~ Thank you! And love ya right back! I am flattered that you liked the post!
3D~ Yep, that's what big breasts mean I guess. Stupid us for thinking differently! Sad, sad, sad world we live in I am afraid!
Kat~ I was walking with a girlfriend once, early in the morning, on a busy street, to a bus station as we were going on a weekend trip together. We were attacked. A guy rammed himself against her and she could barely talk. Before I knew what was going on I was next. Having been raised in America half my life (this was during a one years stint back in Spain in my single days) I instinctively grabbed my backpack with one hand, yelled NO at the top of my lungs as I swung, hand in fist, with the other hand. He ducked and ran away, into an alley and was gone. I caught a glimpse of his face and though I cannot remember his feautures the expression of pure glee shall forever be engraved in my soul. He had gotten off on it, it was a total high and had I not screamed he could have very easily dragged us into that alley...
I understand your worry with regards to your daughter. When old enough I plan to have her ready for as many scenarios I can think of (I already am working on stuff with her that is age appropriate) but cannot bring myself to ever allow her to sleep over anywhere and she knows that already. I would have to know and trust the family with my life for that to happen and as is, only 2 people fit the bill for that! Very hard! I am a little extreme with this, I know, but I don't even have it in me to take the slightest risk...
Your daughter is lucky to have a tough, loving and aware mummy like you!
Biene~ It is terrible, isn't it? And the sad thing is that we have to be raised feeling and learning to be on the offensive! That is treating a symptom and we need to get to the root of the problem and that lies in the minds of the sons, and daughters, that we raise... I look forward to the day where we can walk the streets as women and not feel like we must be on guard!
We must have posted at the same time dear Actonbell! So true! And the sad part is that it is a point most people do not get!
Well said babycakes... And dont forget the fuckwitted husbands that use emotional blackmail to rape their wives!!!!!
"If you dont have sex with me it must mean you dont love me"????!!!!!?????
Very passionate piece. As I have written of a dear friend of mine who was raped by 2 of our friends and then took her own life because she felt no one believed her... RAPE IS RAPE... there are no if's, and's or but's about it!!!
Hello MizBohemia, I saw your comments on the bring it on site. I got to thinking more today about your post, which is quite execellent btw, and had something else I wanted to add.
In any speaking that I have ever done on the issue of sexual assault/rape I always use talk about the violence and work at getting people to understand that the rape/sexual assault has very little to do with sex. Sexual Assault is a crime of violence and power and not sex. If I came home and hit my husband Erick in the head with a frying pan the police report would not say "cooking" - that is how much sex has to do with sexual assault/rape. There are so many that minimize sexual assault and make all kinds of excuses to make it into a bad lay, a poor judgement, and all the great examples that have been given in previous comments and your post - the horrible violence that rape and sexual assault is gets sanitized.
Keep up the good work MizBohemia - the more we talk the less silent the world is.
Opps that post above was mine. Sorry it came up anonomyus.
dear Miz Bohemia, I am sorry you took my comment that personally, I sure didn't mean to say, "you are raising your daughter like that and this is bad", that was just a general example of mine, and I knew you have a daughter, please, forgive me that it sounded like I was talking about you, I was not.
SS~ Sooo many twisted scenarios, you are right... and to all I say, enough is enough!!!
Shayna~ I read that. The horror is fresh everytime you mention it. I cannot even fathom what it must have been like for you. I will forever be sorry for the loss of your friend. What a world that allows this to happen!
cj~ Welcome to my world! I am very happy to see you hear and thank you for adding your comments to this forum as well. I love hearing what you have to say seeing that you work with rape victims. You should think of posting something about it and enlightening all of us with what you know! I for one would love to read whatever it is you have to say on the subject! Thank you for your words and thank you for stopping by!
Ariel~ Oh no! No apologies needed dearest Ariel! I did not take them personally though I did misunderstand them but never was I hurt by your comment and never did I think it was said with any negativity associated to it. As for the link, I thought it might help to let you know my personal philosophy on sex but as an expansion on my misunderstanding... not out of hurt feelings! So it's all good! Thank you for stopping by here by the way! I was very happy and flattered to see you here and please, NO APOLOGIES EVER! All is well and I was very happy that you felt comfortable enough to express what was on your mind! So... thank you Ariel!
thank you! for the link, too!
Great post, hon!
I've known way too many women, and a few men who've been sexually assaulted. It's an evil act perpetuated by a culture of ignorance.
Ariel~ My pleasure! And thank you!
Jason~ Thank you. I am sorry to hear that. The awful thing is that if everyone we know were to talk and open up about their experiences, we would be shocked as to how many people have been sexually molested, assaulted or raped. There is something about me where people I meet easily confide in me and because of that I have been blown away by HOW many people I know have been violated. It is sickening and you are absolutely right when you say that it is an evil act perpetuated by a culture of ignorance...
There is a student in my class this year who was allegedly sexually assaulted by her babysitter.
She was eight.
I am so sorry to hear that... I hope she is ok.... although ok is relative as something has been taken from her which she will never get back...
A big rape case in the United States now is the Duke la cross team and they raped a stripper that they had hired. But it's rich white guys and the stripper is a black woman. So she's a "slut" and the "boys" are innocent and are being framed. Even though an email of one the players has surfaced and shows that the entire thing was all planned out saying how they were going to "kill bitches" and "skin them alive".
I know. My link to one of Cooper's posts touches on that. It is sickening, isn't it?
This is a great post Miz B.
I feel bad for your sister. That is just awful. Friends wonder why we haven't let our kids go for sleepovers anywhere. Shit like this is pretty common and it really enrages me.
Kyahgirl~ You go girl! Our kids are too small right now (5 and 3) but my daughter already knows that sleepovers will always be out of the question in this family and the incidence with my sister is the main reason why. It enrages me as well and hey, I am glad you don't let your kids sleep over... this bohemian applauds you!
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