WHAT AN ASS
Cold weather is creeping in and stifling the until-now-and-unusually-so-but-who-the-fuck-is-complaining sunny, yet always inefficient, days of Southern Spain... some of the grey made its way into my heart, temporarily stifling the positivity, hope and the intense adrenaline rush that came with the decision to move back home... emphasis on temporarily... here's a secret. If you want something, then do not be bashful... scream it, shout it from the rooftops, the mountaintops and then, arms wide open, look up to the skies and demand that your concerns be taken seriously... no bearded guy in the sky for me thank you very much! A Hey Universe! I feel like shit so give me a fucking sign, TODAY DAMMIT, that I am to be home sooner rather than later because I need help gathering up some strength to move on so go on and help me because this no-clients-coming-over-to-see-the-fucking-house-and-this-no-one-buying-the-stupid-BMW-yet combo situation is getting to me so go on and get me outta this muck for fuck's sake and I mean, DAMMIT, even a friggin' phone call will do! should kinda do it I would say...
It seemed to have worked for me because I got two calls on Friday... a snooty bitch called and did not like my BMW but the point is... she called... and my neighbor's hairdresser is to come into some money, by-big-and-moneyed-developers-who-want-her-homeless-and-are-dangling-quite-a-bit-of-candy-that-is-hard-to-resist-before-her-very-eyes-to-quote-said-neighbor's-hairdresser, and she may want my place... huge emphasis on the may as she has yet to see the property but the call was made and my spirits lifted... who knew that all I had to do was ask! Had I known, a phone call would not have been my request... oh well, live and learn...
Lil' Mischief is doing just that as, ever so concerned about the state of my vagina and this dreadful-chill-inducing-and-mysterious-thing-called-the-period, he grimaced before he dared look at his mother cleaning herself, finally gathering up the courage to ask,
Mami? Are you bleeding again?
No sweetie. Just got done with that. But don't worry, penises don't bleed, just vaginas.
Speaking of vaginas, let's zoom out a bit and turn our attention to the vulva... I highly recommend brazilian waxes because how else can women discover the sudden appearance of what seems to be a dark, black mole on the right labia... declared, by the two women who-wax-me-and-who-together-hovered-over-said-right-labia-poking-and-prodding-and-spreading-the-flesh-out-for-a-better-view-because-that's-just-how-comfortable-we-European-chicks-are-with-our-nether-regions-and-with-each-other-and-with-this-thing-called-touch-that-gynecologists-could-certainly-use-a-lesson-or-two-in-so-rejoice-sistahs-REJOICE, that this was in no way an ingrown hair... and therefore declared it a cause for concern, especially given the fact that itching and burning symptoms accompanied its sudden-popping into an-uncomfortable-genital-region existence... yeah, such a cause for concern that, having called my gynecologist on Wednesday of last week, I was given an immediate, emergency appointment for tomorrow, one day short of a week's wait... oh the value of women and their vaginas, when not for personal use or abuse, is nothing short of flattering it seems... or not...
... and yeah, a disclaimer, or whatever, here so listen up any and all possible prudes! If I can mention a mole on the arm without any shame and be free to talk about that, then moving that mole down south should not make you squirm so fuck you if it is...
... and watch me laugh all the way to my gynecologist's office, ready to open nice and wide and poke and prod away as I unabashedly display my private parts to said soon-to-be-shocked-and-this-I-know-because-I-have-yet-to-meet-one-who-likes-me-and-my-informed-and-confident-in-charge-of-my-body-ways-so-do-not-get-me-started-on-that gynecologist as I demand a full-blown analysis of said mole, as I am wont to do, because I simply do not trust them and you wouldn't either had a gynecologist, after being informed of your virginity back in the day when such a thing still existed, gotten so uncomfortable with your not-fucked-yet status that she ripped your hymen apart, right then and there, as she jerked the speculum wide open, forgoing the routine of easing it open for a somewhat-comfortable-but-mostly-painless experience that should be a given but...
Reminiscing aside, as I ready myself to actively care for my vulva in the morrow, my ass had other plans for me today...
It seemed to have worked for me because I got two calls on Friday... a snooty bitch called and did not like my BMW but the point is... she called... and my neighbor's hairdresser is to come into some money, by-big-and-moneyed-developers-who-want-her-homeless-and-are-dangling-quite-a-bit-of-candy-that-is-hard-to-resist-before-her-very-eyes-to-quote-said-neighbor's-hairdresser, and she may want my place... huge emphasis on the may as she has yet to see the property but the call was made and my spirits lifted... who knew that all I had to do was ask! Had I known, a phone call would not have been my request... oh well, live and learn...
Lil' Mischief is doing just that as, ever so concerned about the state of my vagina and this dreadful-chill-inducing-and-mysterious-thing-called-the-period, he grimaced before he dared look at his mother cleaning herself, finally gathering up the courage to ask,
Mami? Are you bleeding again?
No sweetie. Just got done with that. But don't worry, penises don't bleed, just vaginas.
Speaking of vaginas, let's zoom out a bit and turn our attention to the vulva... I highly recommend brazilian waxes because how else can women discover the sudden appearance of what seems to be a dark, black mole on the right labia... declared, by the two women who-wax-me-and-who-together-hovered-over-said-right-labia-poking-and-prodding-and-spreading-the-flesh-out-for-a-better-view-because-that's-just-how-comfortable-we-European-chicks-are-with-our-nether-regions-and-with-each-other-and-with-this-thing-called-touch-that-gynecologists-could-certainly-use-a-lesson-or-two-in-so-rejoice-sistahs-REJOICE, that this was in no way an ingrown hair... and therefore declared it a cause for concern, especially given the fact that itching and burning symptoms accompanied its sudden-popping into an-uncomfortable-genital-region existence... yeah, such a cause for concern that, having called my gynecologist on Wednesday of last week, I was given an immediate, emergency appointment for tomorrow, one day short of a week's wait... oh the value of women and their vaginas, when not for personal use or abuse, is nothing short of flattering it seems... or not...
... and yeah, a disclaimer, or whatever, here so listen up any and all possible prudes! If I can mention a mole on the arm without any shame and be free to talk about that, then moving that mole down south should not make you squirm so fuck you if it is...
... and watch me laugh all the way to my gynecologist's office, ready to open nice and wide and poke and prod away as I unabashedly display my private parts to said soon-to-be-shocked-and-this-I-know-because-I-have-yet-to-meet-one-who-likes-me-and-my-informed-and-confident-in-charge-of-my-body-ways-so-do-not-get-me-started-on-that gynecologist as I demand a full-blown analysis of said mole, as I am wont to do, because I simply do not trust them and you wouldn't either had a gynecologist, after being informed of your virginity back in the day when such a thing still existed, gotten so uncomfortable with your not-fucked-yet status that she ripped your hymen apart, right then and there, as she jerked the speculum wide open, forgoing the routine of easing it open for a somewhat-comfortable-but-mostly-painless experience that should be a given but...
Reminiscing aside, as I ready myself to actively care for my vulva in the morrow, my ass had other plans for me today...
40 Comments:
You should have waited until AFTER your sold the house to do that.
Can you bring your fireplace with you? Love the tile - well, maybe you should leave the glass there...
You have a way with film my friend! Can't stop grinning after watching your "show" :-D
heh. I can tell where the hyphenation comes from now, too.
Could you be any cuter? And LoverBoy what can I say......a Saint. I loved seeing you my dear MizB. I love the colors of this room and I can see the your preference for symetry.
Did you realy think you could sit on this shelf? LOL
OMG... I almost tinkled on myself from laughing so hard.
Little Willy was asking... "who'd that? who'd that?" while pointing at the screen. I replied "that is Miz B"... he then said "that's Beez"... :)
I love your fireplace! Loverboy is cute too.
i showed this video to Joel the second he got home (well not this exact video, but YOU know which one!) and we laughed and laughed and laughed at your klutziness, and beauty, and fun, and playful relationship with your incredibly handsome husband, and then we watched it again and laughed all over. what a treat!! needless to say, i lovelovelove this newest effort and hearing Loverboy's voice... and seeing more of you and... well... ALL of it.
and thank GOD you're going to the doctor and you must tell me the second you find out what the hell is going on because moles are scary tho', thankfully, not necessarily bad. still... no moles for you. not now, not ever.
now... let's all meditate together--and with great love, intention, and belief--that a buyer is in your VERY near future, and, in turn, your return to your beloved San Francisco is too! (you need to be here, in all your BoheMian glory, dear friend. thus it is spoken and thus it shall BE!!) xox
I am laughing too hard to type. One klutz to another, I like your style. The look on your face when you tip-toed to the camera was priceless. Amd Loverboy must be bucking for sainthood. He was exceptionally calm -- and resigned. Kind of makes me wonder ....
Loverboy is alive!
Nice! You can collect the little pieces of broken fireplace glass and make them into jewelry ... we're sold!
PS ~ More videos!!!
OK, Miz B, once i pick myself up off my gargantuan (especially compared to yours) ass, where i fell as i laughed myself into a stupor at your klutziness-and-following-description-of-it-followed-by-Loverboy (who happens to be adorable, btw)-and-his-incredulity, i would like to tell you that the following is, IMHO, the funniest, most original and best blog line i ever ever read:
"as I ready myself to actively care for my vulva in the morrow, my ass had other plans..."
And believe me when I tell you that i WISH my ass were as big as yours. Ha!!!
Poobah- Try telling that to my ass and heels! And then Lil' B wonders why I tend to avoid heels!
Tsduff- Glad you liked my klutzy ways amiga! *sigh* Nothing glamorous about bohemians I am afraid!
Yeah, I do love the tile! It was my inspiration for the colors in the room...
Wombat- Oh and it gets worse, believe you me! Just ask poor Loverboy who lives with it day in and day out!
LovaMóa- I still think I can! I am motivated to give it a go again... very carefully though and without heels on and even then it could happen all over again!!!
Glad you liked the colors... our whole house is full of them and yeah, symmetry and I are close pals! ;-P
As for your sweet words... Oh blush!
Shayna- Give your sweet little Willy a HUGE kiss from me! Ha, ha, haaaa on the sound of that!
Glad you liked it and that it made you laugh!!!
Sassyassy- Thank you on both counts and so thrilling to have you back!
Neva- I am laughing away at your enthusiasm of it all and admit that I have watched the crashing of the glass part over and over as it cracks me up because THAT, in a nutshell, is me... trying to act cool is not my forté as you can see!!! Even walking down the street, I may get into my groove, get a strut and think yeah, I'm stylin' but I will, inevitably, trip and not a regular trip but moronic, body shakin', hands outstreched, face in ugliest grimace, perhaps little yelp to go along with it and then I have to pretend nothing happened and try to keep struttin' away but yeah, the beet red face gives it away and the laughter than tends to follow me! *sigh* Oh well!
You know, even if it was a troublesome mole I am just not worried... not that I wouldn't go... I am the type who likes everything explored to death so that I am not left with any regrets as I am not one who takes to kindly to them and with health matters, no other option but to explore it all to death... the bothersome symtoms subsided after a number of days but I am looking forward to getting it analyzed and you will be the first to know how it all pans out, this I promise!
YES! Count me in on the meditation! FO SHO! Grey days but they are hopeful nevertheless!
Thank you for your ever so beautiful words and energy and just thank you for you my ever so sweet and lovely and oh so adored Neva! Hopefully we won't need You Tube very soon and will get to hang out in the flesh! Besos!
Quilldancer- Ha, ha, haaa! Glad you liked it! I wish I had taped more because I was frantic trying to clean up the mess... my original thought was to erase the evidence in the tape but I thought I might use the fessing up for some laughing and true reality moment of my klutzy ways!
Capri- FO SHO! And delightfully so! ;-P
Free Thinker- YAY! How cool would it be to bump into each other before setting up a meet and greet moment? Oh to be back home!
As for the videos, more are on their way FO SHO!
Minx- Oh dear Minxy! Speak well of my ass and you have a bohemian in love I tell you, IN LOVE! 'Tis ok in jeans but take 'em off and stretch mark city... proud of them though so wooh and all that! ;-P
Hey, if my klutzy ways are a source for such merriment then let the good times roll... but excuse me as I don this hard hat! I NEED protection I tell you!
Ha, ha, haaaa! Glad you liked that line... you should have seen Loverboy's face when I read him this post... he bit his tongue but a look of you-are-telling-the-world-about-your-vulva-MY-GOD-what's-next was clearly on his face and that was oh so priceless!
As for your ass, I am sure that it's delightful!
HAHA!
omg poor poor loverboy! i love how his voice went all high pitched - "How the hell DID YOU BREAK THIS?!!"
LOL! you're right we could be twins ! Twin Klutz's!
yummy mummy i am LOVING the very very low neck top too ;)
the fire place is GORGEOUS! loved the sun mirror on top and psychedelic colours woohoo! i can only imagine what the bedroom looks like :D
Miz B - thank god its not just me who is clutzy like that. :) We could start a soceity for clutzy people.
I love the video posts!
Oooh I adore Loverboy. Does he need a little somethin' somethin' on the side? OMG! I just had a vision of the two of us anywhere together. Batten down the hatches!!!
You're not supposed to break the house BEFORE you sell it. Silly MizB.
I'm of the opinion you can't get anything if you don't pursue it, or ask for it.
But just remember that when the little Bohemians give you their Xmas lists.
You never get what you never try for. :)
You are so very beautiful! Sending sunshine to chase away that little bit of grey in your soul (which does NOT belong there!) Glad you found the mole, glad you are getting it checked out. If the first doc says "it's fine" get a second opinion.
Glad to get back to reading your writing...have missed checking in on you, dear friend!
Mwwwwwwwaah!
whew. that was funny.
Well now, we are all concerned about your vagina and vulva! Get that looked at... as if it hadn't been looked at already by the very comfortable waxing ladies ;)
Mahi- Sweet Ladee Mahi... glad to see you liked it! He, he, heee! Poor man has many such moments living with me! Oh well! At least I am good comic relief I suppose!
You like the top? Oooweee! Me too! However, it needs some cleavage, which I don't have, and the only way to keep it ok is to wear a damn wonderbra... Lil' B calls it my boobie dress...
As for the house... coming soon to a blog near you!
CJ- Oh if only I could have a camera tailing my every move! I would be the world's laughing stock, that's for sure! Glad you liked but sorry you can relate! ;-P
Jenna- Silly indeed! Ooooh! You and me together? RUN PEOPLE RUN!!! You gotta see me in heels! Love affair extraordinaire with the pavement FO SHO!
Loverboy is a cutie ain't he? But watch it, he's a Scorpio so he bites...
Dan- You are a wise one FO SHO! Soooo... where's my million then? I really am not kidding about that one but for some reason the phone call request makes it through...
Do I get a Santa list too?
Carolie- Welcome back sweet lady with the undeservingly sweet words that brought a smile to my face... been a trying day but the grey is being kicked away... AWAY I SAY! Besos to you dear amiga!
Dedd- Yeah? I wish I had filmed a Mercedes we once had (before we changed it for the BMW we need to sell) that I smooshed by driving it into some metal poles and then lying to Loverboy and telling him we got hit only to fess up a week later, when we were on a date no less, and after I got him quite drunk and ready for the news... now THAT would have been funnier but for now, this'll do! ;-P
LEIGH! YOU ARE BACK!!!!! I MISSED YOU FO SHO!
Will do! Seems like touchy feely days with ladies is in my schedule this week! Funkified! ;-P
Klutz! But such an ambitious klutz, to try to get any sized tush even your teeny one onto a fireplace mantle is a real act of courage! Meanwhile I love seeing you and seeing Loverboy is a super treat! I'm happy that the mole discovered will now be looked at and want to hear the result of the examination asap. The shots of your home make me sorry that we never got there to see it, and even more excited about what will show up here. Good voodoo that shouting for what you want! Many hugos and besos...MamaE
Makes for an excellent moment on film FO SHO! Now hopefully you went to the doctor's and all is well and had any fears set aside.
I love these video posts. This is such an excellent idea and a great direction for our own Bohemian Lucy Ball! What a head of hair on your girl!
Take good care of yourself and get home soon! xox ~ G
PS: Hey Loverboy - quite a debut!
You guys definately could have a film career! That was so funny!
And, oh yeah...love the fireplace and your shirt, too...very stylish! :)
So, the message is, um, Remember, kiddies! Don't sit on the fireplace until you've measured your butt?
Mama E- Oh sweet Mama if anyone knows how stubborn and pigheaded I am and to what degree, 'tis you and my Loverboy so you know that getting my ass on that fireplace mantle shall be attempted until I succeed, right? Oh the ambitions of bohemians! ;-P Yes, I do wish you guys had made it over but no worries, a view of the house may be in the works and hey, hopefully our Christmas date will be kept!!! I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN!
You knew about the shout outs to the universe and you didn't tell me??? But would I have listened, you ask... Ah! There's the rub! ;-)
I miss you and hope to call you asap to let you know we are on our way home!
G- I am so glad to hear you are liking these because honestly, it is so weird to be walking around filming myself... I feel like a delusional freak stuck in a "my life is a faboo movie" mode and man do I feel boring now! Dios mio! But you made me swoon! SWOON I TELL YOU!
But wait! Does this mean I gotta keep smashing things up now? Cause cleaning up is a bitch! Especially glass!
PS- Loverboy humbly thanks you...
Queen- Oooh! A film career? Pray do tell! Flattery will get you everywhere in the land o' B!
And gracias and gracias! *Oh blushetty blush*
Doug- See? I know there was a point in there somewhere... um, now excuse me while I go to measure this bigger-than-I-gave-it-credit-for-so-MY-GOD-do-I-have-to-friggin'-diet-now butt...
lol,
Lover boy has my sympathies but you have my heart.
I really have to get this computer togethe. Can get Itunes but not youtube sound--that said you both looked great
Before my first ever trip to the gynecologist I was convinced it was going to be far worse than it actually worse. It just goes to show, some things you have to experience for yourself.
Good to be "back" lol
Cooper- And what a beautiful heart it is at that! I am honored!
Pia- Gracias... hope you get that sound up and running because this particular clip, especially the beginning, needs it! Oy!
Janet- Yeah well I had no huge fears about it and buh-bye hymen and hello bleedin' pain! I should have sucker punched the bitch! Oh well! Live and learn! ;-)
YES! GREAT to have you BACK! Ha, ha, haaaaa!
yes! scream to the universe! i'll help. cute couple that you two are, not surprised...hope the fireplace gets fixed soon!
It was sooo wonderful seeing you guys, even if you were trying to dangle your culo on 2 inches of mantel, and yes, the jury is in, in the crazies in the desert home, Loverboy is a Saint. As for the moles, I should have known, since we live parallel lives. You see, they are of no concern, the moles that is. My matching ones popped up when I had Mr. C. At my 6 wk follow up, I waited until Mr. gyno finished his proding. When he asked if there was anything else, I mentioned the black little fuckers down there. He smiled, and gently rubbed them, obviously having made note of them before, and assured that is completely normal, especially after little ones, due to hormones. So there you have it, I went to Doc for you! love you
jromer- YAY on the help! YES! Let us scream away! Ooh! Gracias!
Crazy- Ha, ha, haaaa! No, no, no I mean Wild Girl P... you of all people know exactly HOW crazy I am... dios mio the stories we have to tell! I am glad to hear the moles were nothing to worry about! My updated info on that is up on top of this post... As for the parallel lives, it does not surprise me anymore! And now that you are an OCDish clean freak to boot, HOORAY on the understanding soul I get to talk to and an "I'm sorry" to the hubby who will find all the support he needs in Loverboy, once we are back, because I know his delightful wife's cuckoo capabilites just as well as she knows mine and MAN, these men need all the support they can get! ;-P
I miss you and here's to seeing you soon! I LOVE YOU!
LOL! you, my dear, are precious! and loverboy--well, whoooweee-blow-me-down. you two are beautiful together. i hope that fireplace gets fixed soon, though. xx.
Ha, ha, haaa! I humbly bow before in thanks chica! Gracias!
If I could just take a moment to make a really bad car joke....you mentioned smashing a Mercedes and a BMW. Now, the Volvo is in the shop too!!
(I must explain that when our baby daugther was learning body parts and we taught her 'vulva' she always called it a Volvo)
I hope the mole is not going to be a problem and thanks for introducing Loverboy, that was priceless. You are one cool babe!
Besos
:-)
way too cool. I didnæt mention it before, but you are such a hottie! temperamental I am sure, but cute as a button. Energetic and fiery. Loverboy ain´t that bad either ;)
Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your world, a crazy one for sure...but interesting as hell!
Kyahgirl- Ha, ha, haaa! Yep, it was in the shop indeed and back in full working condition... although with a little dent or two they call hemangeoma... oh well! ;-P
Glad you enjoyed my clutzy ways and the unveiling of the hubby!
Minka- Oooh! You flatter me so! I should have Loverboy read that so he can appreciate me more! *sigh* FOR SHAME LOVERBOY, FOR SHAME!
Poor man, not that he doesn't but you see, he married a psycho Piscean who so enjoys messing with him!
Thank you for your ever so sweet, touching and beautiful words and I am glad you liked my crazy world... believe it or not, these postings are still quite mild! I am working on seeing if the real craziness can be captured for you to see!
How can you have superhuman control of your body, the ability and control to contort into all of those yoga positions, and still be a klutz? That is weird...your loverboy was great when he saw the result of your staging...although he was aware that the camera was rolling?
I find it very interesting that you are so relaxed with the diligence and zealous dedication to detail by your waxing committee...
how very european.
Oh my dear HE, some things we simply cannot change about ourselves I am afraid and a klutz I shall remain forevermore!
Yes, he knew the camera was rolling and was being gracious enough to allow me to tape his reaction, poor man!
Yeah, I tend to hold the lax attituve we Europeans have about nudity... although strangely enough I am quite protective of my own since, well pride and all, I am not too keen on objectifying myself... strange, yes, but true and so there you have it amigo mio!
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
Back to my Rhapsodic Soul...